Body dysmorphia - it's real
Updated: Oct 28, 2018
Annnnnnnd it's pretty common for people who've gone through extreme weightloss and sometimes people who haven't.
What is it?
Basically you become extremely preoccupied with a perceived flaw in your appearance! For me it's my legs, even when I was pretty skinny and fit from riding horses and doing taekwondo I thought my quads were gigantic. I thought I was huge!
I would wear clothes pretty strategically so that I could hide the tops of my legs, baggy jumpers, skater style skirts and oversized shorts. I'd buy tracksuits many sizes too big in an attempt to make them look baggy.
I would avoid trying on jeans and generally try to avoid changing rooms in shops altogether. Then I really did start getting bigger. I would avoid mirrors.. Avoid People I knew from school, people I hadn't seen in a while.. All for the fear of them thinking " God she's got fat since school ". Bumping into people on the street had become my worse nightmare. I began to get more anxious. And ate a lot more... I now would have killed to have my 18 year old legs back. And the rest of my body.
I gained my way up to 18stone/252 pounds...
And one of my biggest regrets is not having much for photos of me at 18stone. Because I avoided cameras like the plague. I've had to hunt for them off people who might have caught me off guard... Go through the old photos I wouldnt allow on my Facebook timeline.. And even at that there isn't many I've been able find that show my whole body. I got that good at avoiding people and cameras.
The bigger I got the more I avoided social situations... avoided reflections in mirrors etc.
I was completely out of touch with the size I had become...
My slightly large thighs had become a very large body.
And now from the other side of it after losing a good chunk of it... I still have those issues. In fact these leggings that I bought (the blue) I didn't wear for the first 3 months that I had them. Because I got this idea in my head that the pattern on them made my legs look huge..
A pattern. That causes weight gain - yeah there's no such thing. Sure it might distort the shape of he leg... But physically it doesn't make the actual leg bigger. (I've felt the same with lighter colours.) Sometimes I put on clothes and still seen my legs as the same size they were when I was 18stone heavier.. It takes going and looking at old photos to realise there's a difference.
Will I ever get to a point where I'm happy with my legs? Questionable, but I have got to a point of just wearing what I want regardless of pattern or colour. Instead of focusing on having smaller legs my focus is nice toned ones 🤞