• Leanne M.

Hey dad, I did it without you

Usually for me Father’s Day passes without me really flinching... I ignore the cards in the shops I don’t really pay much attention to the day as a whole.  

But this year. Damn this year - I open Facebook “OH HEY ITS 170% LIKELY ITS ALREADY FATHERS DAY SO SEND HIM A MESSAGE CONGRATULATING HIM ON HiS EPIC FATHERLYNESS” ok Facebook didn’t say that exactly....

but eh that’s how attacked I felt, but fine I move on with my day.. I sell Father’s Day cards / presents etc in work ... the day rolls on ..***Snapchat received from team snapchat*** huh I wonder what they’ve updated now ..... “HAPPY F-ING FATHERS DAY” - sharp inhale and I can’t help but wonder is he out there getting these messages too ? - he certainly doesn’t deserve them plenty of men don’t.

Over the years he’s gradually reduced his importance to that of being no more than a sperm doner .. essentially. And you know what. I’m thankful for that. It’s made me who I am. 

So ‘Dad’ if you’re out there, if you’re reading. Thank you. I’ve done it without you.  

Sure, I could be mad at you. Of course I Could hate you, I could spend today sulking or throwing stuff around and being rude to people cursing the fact that you ruined my life.

But here’s the thing. You didn’t ruin my life and I’m just not a hateful person.

 And honestly ? Growing up without a ‘biological father’ in the picture has shaped me as a person - we’ll go with ‘biological father’ here because that’s pretty much the sum of your role.

I grew up with so much love in my life. The people who filled the gaps, grandparents, uncles, aunts friends and other family, have given me so much love support and life lessons I couldn’t have asked for more. 

And maybe I didn’t appreciate the fact you never saw me play football or ride a horse at the time, but you know who did? My mom. She rarely missed a match. And although I know she had to watch me ride horses with clenched teeth and her back slightly turned and not really wanting to watch at all... I’ll always cherish the fact that she was the one who got to be there.

She was the one who got  to see every school concert, every school report, every triumph... as well as being the one to pick me up after every fall. And I’m not saying we didn’t struggle, everybody struggles... but it’s what we take from our darkest places that defines who we become. So yeah I struggled and as a child I saw my mom struggle but as I’ve grown..  

I’ve watched her grow and I know that without you we both grew into stronger, more powerful, more capable people. And honestly? Because of you I’ve built a relationship with her that’s stronger than we ever could have had. And truthfully  if I turn out at least half the woman she has become then I’ll still be twice the parent you could have ever been. 

You know I used to shy away from answering questions as to who or where my dad was. But now? I’m Proud. Proud of who it has made me. Proud of what it has taught me. I’m Proud that I’ve been able to realise I don’t need a ‘biological father’ in my life in order to be a decent human being - that blood isn’t always thicker than water - and actually blood can run quite thin. 

I am Proud of myself because everything I’ve done, mistakes successes.... all of it - Ive done it without you.  

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